Nederigheid

Liefste Pappa en Liefste Jesus Christus

Vandag buig ek net voor U troon en aanbid U.
Vandag eer ek U met lofliedere.
Vandag dans ek in U warm lig, lig my arms op en staan voor U in dankbaarheid en nederigheid.
Vandag erken ek:
* ek is wie U se ek is
* ek het wat U se ek het
* ek kan doen wat U se ek kan doen

Sonder U is ek niks
Met U is ek ALLES

Sonder U kan ek niks
Met U kan ek ALLES

Sonder U het ek niks
Met U het ek ALLES

Ek buig voor U in aanbiddin en erkenning as my Koning, my Here, my ALLES, my "Ek is"

Liefde

Killers of my faith - that did not succeed

Dearest Abba

It is a while since I have written to you, but at least we speak all the time. Over the last couple of weeks You have been so amazing to me. You have patiently listened to me rant and rave, quietly and calmly waiting to get it out of my system so that I can be quiet and listen to Your voice of love, compassion, kindness and reason.

You have offered me Your shoulder to sob on, allowing me to cry and cry till I thought I cannot cry anymore and then You have gently wiped my tears with Your big, gentle hands of love.

You have watched me through tantrums, making threats, being obnoxious, walking away, falling down, accusing You of the most blasphemies things, feeling sorry for myself, sulking, rebellion and SO much more. You did not turn Your back on me, You did not give up on me, You did not threaten me. You just reached a point where You said "This is now enough My Beloved. Stop right there and now lets get up and start fresh. Let us build a stronger, better relationship. Let us grow in faith and understanding 

Then You did the most amazing, awesome, wonderful thing. You hugged me, You held me, You comforted me, You showed me Your HEART!

It took years before I finally stood naked and stripped and repented and empty before You. It took years and years before I dropped all the masks and all the "right" attitudes and all the "right" words and actions and let it just ALL hang out and allowed You into the deepest recessed of my mind and heart and soul and spirit.


Then You cleansed me. You showed me that I have allowed four roots into my spiritual world with You:

1. Guilt
2. Condemnation
3. Perfection
4. Inferiority

Bottom line to all of these, trying to win Your love and Your favour and Your attention through WORKS.

all four these roots have the same fruit:

• Nothing is GOOD enough
• Not serious/ committed enough
• Not ENOUGH
• Work harder, do more, have higher and "better" standards, spend more time, obtain more knowledge, be more spiritual, be stronger, be more focused, repent more, suffer more, be serious, understand your worthlessness
• Who do you think you are to even be in God’s presence
• MORE + Not ENOUGH + Work

So through my works and my deeds I tried to be such a GOOD Christian, such a committed daughter - and it was just never enough. I never felt at peace or happy or content or loved. Just guilty, guilty, guilty!

You blessed me, You anointed me, you provided for me through all these years, because You saw in my heart that although I was on the wrong road and it was leading to such destruction that at the bottom of it was my passion for YOU, my love for YOU and my intense desire to KNOW YOU. You understand my background and church. You understand my hurts and disappointments. You know the lies and deceit I have been fed. You cry with me over the world I live in. You KNOW.

Dada thank You for being the perfect, loving, compassionate, merciful, awesome Father that You have always been to and for me.
Jesus Christ thank You for being my Saviour, my Rock, my Groom, my Brother, my Provider, my Advocate, my Lover through it ALL.
Holy Spirit thank You for being my Wisdom, my Knowledge, my Power and Strength and my Insight over all the years.

FINALLY! You must shout with Joy and Exaltation – FINALLY! Our Beloved understand about FAITH and the beauty of FAITH and the power of FAITH and the joy of FAITH.
FINALLY! She realised that the road she was on was destroying her and killing off her passion and faith bit by bit by bit.

FINALLY!!!! I want to shout from the rooftops!! God has shown me His face.
Romans 8: 1 For there is NO more condemnation for those who live in Christ Jesus.

There is NO more condemnation for ME. Yes I am going to make mistakes. Yes I am going to stuff up. Yes I wasted so many years and so many of my promises and so much Father wanted to show me and give me, but it is not too late and there is NO condemnation for me from my God.&

The one who is heaping on the guilt and the condemnation and fear and inferiority and doubt is the enemy - the roaring beast who came to steal and lie and kill. The one who has been OVERCOME and is DEFEATED.

Does this mean he is going to leave me alone - oh no - he is doubling his actions to bring me to my knees Daddy, but now I understand FAITH to the core of my soul. Now I know what it means to resist the devil and he WILL flee from me.

Now I understand that He (YOU) who is in me is greater than he who is in the WORLD.
Now I understand what it means that if YOU are for me, who can be against me!
Now I understand my place in Your household.
Now I understand that I can do anything through You Jesus, You who strengthen me.
Now I understand Your promises to ME!!!

Daddy, I am filled with such love and peace and joy and passion and excitement and expectation and hope and words let me down

I honour YOU
I worship YOU
I love YOU
I admire YOU

Jesus Christ, You are the love and the centre of my LIFE
Holy Spirit You fill me with FAITH and understanding and knowledge and wisdom and insight and POWER

I proclaim YOUR name above all names my GOD.
I thank You

Your Beloved

Daughter - 1 continued

Romans 8

 ¹THEREFORE, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit.

Galatians 1

    ¹⁰Now am I trying to win the favor of men, or of God? Do I seek to please men? If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ (the Messiah).

Galatians 3

    ²⁶For in Christ Jesus you are all sons (children) of God through faith.

Galatians 4

    ⁶And because you [really] are [His] sons (children), God has sent the [Holy] Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, Abba (Father)! Father!

    ⁷Therefore, you are no longer a slave (bond servant) but a son (child); and if a son (child), then [it follows that you are] an heir by the aid of God, through Christ.

Galatians 6

    ⁹And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.

Daughter - 1

Dear Dad

My heart is just overflowing and I have so much to share with You.

If not for Your Grace, Your Mercy where would I be?
I know!
Fumbling along in the dark, while thinking I am actually walking in the light like so many people today. How stupidly ignorant do I stumble along, calling myself Your daughter and yet despite reading and studying and filling my world and my mind and my soul with sermons, preachings, books, gospel music, conferences, workshops, studies, audios, music and walking and working and talking gospel, faith, Jesus, You, I keep on being confronted with my own ignorance, my own close mindedness, small mindedness, lack of insight, understanding.

I am so filled with living lies and lies and lies, the slime, the poison satan has spewed over me and planted in my mind and memory and heart, that I just cannot grasp who I really am in You. Who You created me to be, what You have created me for, what power You have placed me.

I stand before my fellow Christians and their lifes are so together. They seem to know who and what they are in You Daddy. I tell them of my turmoil and they answer, almost embarrassed that I can admit that I am in a mess, and glibly they ensure me that I am strong women and will overcome this quickly. Or they launch into a sermon and preaching and telling me why I cannot think or feel this way. Or they go on and on about their own lifes and how they are coping, never admitting that they might at times also feel like this. That would be to honest for us as superwoman and super-Christians of the 21st century would it not? That would mean others might think less of them.

Then when I am finally standing before You, or should I rather say lying with my face in the mud, when my thoughts have spiraled out of control and all I know is despair and fear and stark despondency.
Spent, tired, without hope and even precious little faith left.
No strength left in me to get myself up again.

YOU take me by the hand and lift me up. Not to stand on my own two feet, but to cradle me in Your arms, against Your strength. You hold me gently and tenderly like a small frightened child and carry me carefully and lovingly to Your heavenly palace. You gently put me down and clean me up, wiping of the mud, wiping away the tears.

Your angels come and minister to me. Washing me from top to bottom. Cleansing me from dirt, pain, lies, anger, bitterness, hopelessness, fear, despair, darkness and false believes, from attachments and curses, from ties and promises to and by the enemy.
They wash my hair and massage my stressed and tired muscles. They rub the anointed oils into every cell of my body. They restore my inner beauty and feminine nature.

I stand naked, but cleansed and oiled and anointed.
Gently they assist me in putting on soft, clean, fresh silk underclothes.
Over this You have provided me with a coat of purple, blue and gold, embroidered with gold silk threads.
You give them new shoes to place on my feet that has been washed with scented water.
They place Your crown on my head  with a gossamer soft veil hanging down my back.
You place a gold signet ring on my finger.
Then You take my hand, hug me tightly to You, before leading me as Your daughter to the banquet hall.
All the saints are there waiting for Your entrance and when You introduce me to them as Your BELOVED blood daughter, they rise and praise Your name. They rejoice with You and welcome me with open arms.
Holy
Holy
Holy
is the name of the Lord.

Leading me through the length of the room so that everyone can meet me and welcome me into our household, You seat me at Your right hand and clapping Your hands, the angels place a feast on the table before us.

"My beloved, eat and drink and rejoice with the saints. You were lost, but now You are found. You were dead, but now You live. You were sad, but now you are filled with Joy."

"My beloved, know that I have cleansed you of your sins. Do not sin anymore."

"My beloved, you know own the full armour of My Kingdom.

• The helmet of salvation - because you are saved
• The breastplate of righteousness - because you are now my righteousness through the blood of Jesus Christ
• The belt of truth - because the truth is that which I have given you in my Word -
• You are the top and not the bottom
• You are coming in and not going out
• You are the head and not the tail
• You are more than a conqueror as I am stronger than he who is in the world
• You can do anything through Jesus Christ who strengthens you
• Everything your hand touch will prosper
• You are blessed so that you can be a blessing to others
• and so much more - Go and find your promises in my name!
• The shoes to spread the gospel of peace - where you walk, my presence will be
• The shield of faith with which you can reflect the burning missiles of the enemy
• The sword of Spirit, that both protect and attack - the Word on which you can stand

I am feeling overwhelmed and bewildered, not sure if this is the truth or a cruel dream, a deepest childhood fantasy, an inner craving from which I am going to wake any minute now.
 
Then You come and crouch in front of me, look deeply into my eyes with eyes that are warm, kind, loving and sparkling with laughter lines. You take my hands in Yours. With great love, warmth, compassion looking directly into my eyes you ask:

"Do you not know that you are My beloved daughter!"

"Do you not understand what this means!"

"Do you not understand how much you mean to ME!"

"Do you not have any idea what I would do for you!"

Daddy then only did I realise that You love me with a Godly, Daddy love. Your love is pure and protective and unconditional and without sexual overtones, legalism, conditional requirements, without judgement and punishment.

Daddy, You are everything I longed for, wished for, prayed for, but were to scarred and scared to embrace in case it is another mirage, another dream and it slipped through my hopes and desires and dreams and fingers again.

Daddy, I softly whisper while crying with joy - thank You and I love You!.

Isaiah 61:3 (Amplified Bible)

³To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion--to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit--that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

The silent cry - The silent scream

Dearest Daddy

Yesterday I was reminded of the famous painting by Edvard Munch - "The Scream" or "The Cry". A painting that the painter felt so intense about that he has painted different versions in different mediums of this one painting. A painting so well known that it has been used in various ways and for various reasons over the years - even "The Simpson's" has ripped it off. A simple Google search produces page after page of images of copies or replications or dramatizations of this one painting that is more than a 100 years old.

Why? 

Why does an old painting depicting pain, horror, crying, anguish still hold the attention of the world so many decades later?

What is it about this painting that speak to us even today in the 21st century?

Is it because so many people are walking around with a silent scream lodged in their throats and chests?

Is it because we live in a world of masks hiding our pain and showing the world only what we believe the world wants to see?

Is it because we are so busy trying to be super humans, and super Christians that we are too scared for the world to see our silent screams?

Is it because so many people wants to find a bridge, a lonely and quiet place and just scream and scream and scream to heaven?

How many of us are walking around with a silent scream, a cry to be seen and to be loved and to be held and to be heard?

How many of us are holding in the scream of pain from difficulties, abuse, not coping, loneliness, problems, worries, illness behind a smile?

How many of us are hiding a need for love and care behind the answer "I am well/ fine/ good and you?"

How many of us are holding in a silent scream from bitterness, jealously, hatred, pain, rejection, disappointment, bad self image, feeling lost, not understanding what is happening or not happening to us, behind a face of serenity and supposed strength? 

Daddy and Sweet Jesus

Only at your feet do we find a release for our silent scream. Only at your feet can we be totally honest and take of the masks and the face and show You the truth inside our hearts and minds.

You know when we just need to be held in silent love

You know when we need a kick in the backside to get us going out of our self-misery

You know when we need understanding and compassion

You know when we need a word of advise

You know when we need intervention and help

You know when we have reached the end of all our resources and cannot move forward anymore

You know when we are being killed by the silent scream

You know when we do not want a sermon, platitudes and nice advise, empty words

You know when we cannot face another sermon or speech about faith

You know when we want to scream hearing about the wonderful and perfect lives of other people, how you work in their lives and how they cannot stop talking about themselves in their holiness

You know when we feel like crawling out of our own skin

You know

You know

You know  

Dad, Jesus Christ and Holy Spirit

Thank You for never judging and finding me too light, lacking, weak, not worthy

Thank You for not wanting to make me anything except that which You have created me to be

Thank You for knowing and still loving me

Thank You for never rejecting me

Thank You for understanding 

Thank You for grace and mercy - unending

Thank You for burning in me like a roaring fire

Thank You for hearing and answering my silent scream - so many times
Thank You for holding on even in the times of my silent screams

Thank You for the promises and blessings spoken over my life and that not one word from Your mouth will ever come back void and empty

Thank You

Psalm 35 (King James Version)

 ²¹Yea, they opened their mouth wide against me, and said, Aha, aha, our eye hath seen it.
 ²²This thou hast seen, O LORD: keep not silence: O Lord, be not far from me.
 ²³Stir up thyself, and awake to my judgment, even unto my cause, my God and my Lord.
 ²⁴Judge me, O LORD my God, according to thy righteousness; and let them not rejoice over me.
 ²⁵Let them not say in their hearts, Ah, so would we have it: let them not say, We have swallowed him up.
 ²⁶Let them be ashamed and brought to confusion together that rejoice at mine hurt: let them be clothed with shame and dishonour that magnify themselves against me.
 ²⁷Let them shout for joy, and be glad, that favour my righteous cause: yea, let them say continually, Let the LORD be magnified, which hath pleasure in the prosperity of his servant.
 ²⁸And my tongue shall speak of thy righteousness and of thy praise all the day long.

Info on "The Scream" from Wikipedia
The Scream (Norwegian: Skrik; created in 1893–1910) is the title of expressionist paintings and prints in a series by Norwegian artist Edvard Munch, showing an agonized figure against a blood red sky. The landscape in the background is the Oslofjord, viewed from the hill of Ekeberg, in Oslo (then Kristiania), Norway.
 
Edvard Munch created several versions of The Scream in various media. The Munch Museum holds one of two painted versions (1910, see gallery) and one pastel. The National Gallery of Norway holds the other painted version (1893, shown to right). A fourth version, in pastel, is owned by Norwegian businessman Petter Olsen. Munch also created a lithograph of the image in 1895.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scream

Bankruptcy - GOD

Dearest Daddy

What a horrible feeling knowing that I have reached total bankruptcy. That the tanks are empty and there are no reserves left to fall back on.
- Emotional reserve = empty
- Spiritual reserve = empty
- Financial reserve = empty
- Relational reserve = empty
- Intellectual reserve = empty
- Physical reserve = empty

What a good place to be in, because now I have nothing to hold back, to keep as a back-up, to rely on.

Just Your hand of love and grace and mercy to cling to with and for my life.

Dearest Daddy

I only have You left.
I have messed up
I have sinned
I have done wrong
I have given up

I only have You left
You are my Rock
You are my Salvation

You are my Grace
You are my Strength
You are my Insight
You are my Knowledge
You are my Wisdom
You are my Provider
You are my Protector
You are my Healer
You are my Restorer

Dearest Daddy

You are my all and my only
Thank you that I know You are going to change my tears into joy





Through the tears I hold on to Your hand.
I cry
   Jesus
    Jesus
     Jesus

My Saviour
                Save me!!!!!

                In You alone I trust

Psalm 126;(The Message)

A Pilgrim Song

It seemed like a dream, too good to be true, when God returned Zion's exiles.

We laughed, we sang,

we couldn't believe our good fortune.

We were the talk of the nations—

"God was wonderful to them!"

"God was wonderful to us;

we are one happy people.

"God, do it again—

bring rains to our drought-stricken lives

So those who planted their crops in despair

will shout hurrahs at the harvest, 

5They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing.
"6He who goes forth bearing seed and weeping [at needing his precious supply of grain for sowing] shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

So those who went off with heavy hearts

will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.

Darkness to Light

Good morning Dearest Abba

It is a cold, stark and dreary morning. The sky is an icy blue and I am sitting here on a cold metal step, in front of a revamped container. The person that I confirmed my meeting with is not here and seems to be off sick for the day and nobody knows what to do about the work we have planned to do. Here I sit, my feet and nose has gone numb, around me are heaps of garbage, rejects and off casts of industry, waiting to be recycled and made new.

It is noisy, dirty, fumes in the air, gray and uninspiring. Everybody is in overalls and grimy from the work they do. Trucks are revving, cranes are creaking, metal are being banged and dropped. It is just so dead, so empty, so stark.

But in front of me there is a little oasis of beauty, a patch of well kept grass, with trees and shrubs, pots and an architecturally well designed building, bringing warmth and colour to the bleak surroundings. I sit here and suddenly I realised this is what You are to me.

You are my patch of beauty in this world of gloom and starkness. You are showing me that in the midst of all the garbage there is beauty. You are leading me out of the darkness into the light. You fill me with renewed energy and strength to take one step at a time towards renewal, towards love, joy, peace, patience, friendliness, goodness, gentleness, kindness, humbleness and self control through Your Amazing Grace.

God, what would I be if it was not for Your Grace?
God, what would I be if it was not for Your Love?
God, what would I be if it was not for Your Mercy?

God, where would I be today if it was not for Your presence in my life?
God, where would I be today if You do not hold tightly onto me?
So many times, so often I am ready to give in to the monsters crawling all over my mind and emotions.
So many times, so often I am ready to give up in the face of the forces of evil and darkness closing in on me.
So many times, so often I am on the verge of losing hope and even my faith.

But, You are my Rock, my Fortress, my Hope, my reason for getting up again and going on.
You are the reason I can continue every day
You are the reason I keep on believing in today and tomorrow
You are the reason I keep putting one foot in front of the other
You are the reason I keep on going.

You are the reason I do what I do and cling to a vision of being a patch of beauty and hope to others feeling the same way I do.
You are the reason I strive to be grace to the world around me, so that I can reflect Your unconditional grace and hope.
You are the reason why I have a burning desire to take others by the hand and help them take one step at a time out of the darkness into the light.

I can nothing without You my God.
I do not have the knowledge, insight, wisdom and power to do it on my own.
I do not have the energy or faith to do it on my own.
I do not have the ability to bring to fruit the vision, the dream, the passion on my own.

I bring You the cry of my heart and I lay it at Your feet Abba, in the name of Jesus Christ.
I bring You my weakness and powerlessness.
I cry to You to open the path before me and to lead me where You need me to be.

I cannot do this without You my God.
I cannot!
I cannot!
I cannot!

I can do this WITH You my God
I can!
I can!
I can!

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:13

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-7

Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path"

I love You Abba
Your Princess