Killers of my faith - that did not succeed

Dearest Abba

It is a while since I have written to you, but at least we speak all the time. Over the last couple of weeks You have been so amazing to me. You have patiently listened to me rant and rave, quietly and calmly waiting to get it out of my system so that I can be quiet and listen to Your voice of love, compassion, kindness and reason.

You have offered me Your shoulder to sob on, allowing me to cry and cry till I thought I cannot cry anymore and then You have gently wiped my tears with Your big, gentle hands of love.

You have watched me through tantrums, making threats, being obnoxious, walking away, falling down, accusing You of the most blasphemies things, feeling sorry for myself, sulking, rebellion and SO much more. You did not turn Your back on me, You did not give up on me, You did not threaten me. You just reached a point where You said "This is now enough My Beloved. Stop right there and now lets get up and start fresh. Let us build a stronger, better relationship. Let us grow in faith and understanding 

Then You did the most amazing, awesome, wonderful thing. You hugged me, You held me, You comforted me, You showed me Your HEART!

It took years before I finally stood naked and stripped and repented and empty before You. It took years and years before I dropped all the masks and all the "right" attitudes and all the "right" words and actions and let it just ALL hang out and allowed You into the deepest recessed of my mind and heart and soul and spirit.


Then You cleansed me. You showed me that I have allowed four roots into my spiritual world with You:

1. Guilt
2. Condemnation
3. Perfection
4. Inferiority

Bottom line to all of these, trying to win Your love and Your favour and Your attention through WORKS.

all four these roots have the same fruit:

• Nothing is GOOD enough
• Not serious/ committed enough
• Not ENOUGH
• Work harder, do more, have higher and "better" standards, spend more time, obtain more knowledge, be more spiritual, be stronger, be more focused, repent more, suffer more, be serious, understand your worthlessness
• Who do you think you are to even be in God’s presence
• MORE + Not ENOUGH + Work

So through my works and my deeds I tried to be such a GOOD Christian, such a committed daughter - and it was just never enough. I never felt at peace or happy or content or loved. Just guilty, guilty, guilty!

You blessed me, You anointed me, you provided for me through all these years, because You saw in my heart that although I was on the wrong road and it was leading to such destruction that at the bottom of it was my passion for YOU, my love for YOU and my intense desire to KNOW YOU. You understand my background and church. You understand my hurts and disappointments. You know the lies and deceit I have been fed. You cry with me over the world I live in. You KNOW.

Dada thank You for being the perfect, loving, compassionate, merciful, awesome Father that You have always been to and for me.
Jesus Christ thank You for being my Saviour, my Rock, my Groom, my Brother, my Provider, my Advocate, my Lover through it ALL.
Holy Spirit thank You for being my Wisdom, my Knowledge, my Power and Strength and my Insight over all the years.

FINALLY! You must shout with Joy and Exaltation – FINALLY! Our Beloved understand about FAITH and the beauty of FAITH and the power of FAITH and the joy of FAITH.
FINALLY! She realised that the road she was on was destroying her and killing off her passion and faith bit by bit by bit.

FINALLY!!!! I want to shout from the rooftops!! God has shown me His face.
Romans 8: 1 For there is NO more condemnation for those who live in Christ Jesus.

There is NO more condemnation for ME. Yes I am going to make mistakes. Yes I am going to stuff up. Yes I wasted so many years and so many of my promises and so much Father wanted to show me and give me, but it is not too late and there is NO condemnation for me from my God.&

The one who is heaping on the guilt and the condemnation and fear and inferiority and doubt is the enemy - the roaring beast who came to steal and lie and kill. The one who has been OVERCOME and is DEFEATED.

Does this mean he is going to leave me alone - oh no - he is doubling his actions to bring me to my knees Daddy, but now I understand FAITH to the core of my soul. Now I know what it means to resist the devil and he WILL flee from me.

Now I understand that He (YOU) who is in me is greater than he who is in the WORLD.
Now I understand what it means that if YOU are for me, who can be against me!
Now I understand my place in Your household.
Now I understand that I can do anything through You Jesus, You who strengthen me.
Now I understand Your promises to ME!!!

Daddy, I am filled with such love and peace and joy and passion and excitement and expectation and hope and words let me down

I honour YOU
I worship YOU
I love YOU
I admire YOU

Jesus Christ, You are the love and the centre of my LIFE
Holy Spirit You fill me with FAITH and understanding and knowledge and wisdom and insight and POWER

I proclaim YOUR name above all names my GOD.
I thank You

Your Beloved